Hard to read

Some people say that there's no such thing as a person who is "hard to read," only a person who is "disinterested, but not blatantly so." In other words, if you can't figure out what he is thinking about you, it probably means that he is not thinking much of you at all. It's not that he is hard to read, it's that you don't like what's written on the page. As some would say, if a guy likes you, he will be Dr. Seuss-easy to read.

I've been told that I'm hard to read. Granted, sometimes it's because I'm not interested. But other times, it's because my nervousness and discomfort level around new people lead me to close myself off. I don't say the silly comments that I would if I felt more comfortable. My body language is not as open and relaxed as it should be. I'm stiff and ill at ease. It all comes from a fear of rejection, really. If you don't get to know the real me, you can't reject the real me, right?

Where is all this leading? The other night I had a second date with a (so far) great guy. He's smart, cute, funny, not-short, and we seem to have a bunch of important things in common. But something was holding me back all night. I couldn't tell if he was interested in me, just tolerating me until he could end the date, or looking for an opportunity to get some from a girl he thinks is cute but not very interesting. And of course my insecurity about the situation only made it worse. Am I talking too much? Not enough? Think of something funny to say, Hap, think! At moments like that, my brain literally freezes. By the time I put a coherent thought together, the moment is gone. I'm like George "The jerk store called and they want you back" Costanza: three hours too late. Did he think I was 'hard to read'?

I'm not. I'm just shy. Ok, and maybe just a teensy-weensy bit socially awkward, at least around new people. If you had met any of my grandparents, you would totally get it.

Maybe this writing thing will help exercise my communication muscles so that I'm more articulate and charming in the moment. I need to practice speed-blogging. This post took me three days.