I used to be a lot more sentimental. I used to get teary-eyed while reading the box full of notes-passed-during-class-in-7th-grade. Yep, for a long time I kept a box of old notes. And every letter I ever received at Sleepaway camp. And the book reports I wrote in 5th grade. Ok, I still have those, even though they are not at all well-written.

Nowadays I don't keep so much stuff. I just don't have the room anymore, for one thing. But maybe it's also because I've become better at just keeping the things that really matter, or remembering things without tangible evidence.

There are 18 minutes left before my 30th birthday. What am I leaving behind in my 20s that I want to remember? When I turned 20, I was in Israel. I was so insecure about myself that I chased after boys who clearly didn't appreciate me. I made bad choices about who I spent my time with. Has that changed? At least a little bit, I think. I think I'm able to recognize more quickly now if a boy doesn't deserve my affections. I'm a lot more confident in myself, and I hope it comes through in my words and actions. I'm realizing that I have a lot to offer the right person, and most of the time I'm ok with the fact that I haven't found him yet.

I want to remember getting my first job. I was so excited to find THE PERFECT FIRST JOB FOR ME. I want to remember moving out of my parent's house, feeling VERY GROWN UP. I want to remember living in Hoboken, those years when it was always fun and full of friends and spontanaeity. I want to remember losing my virginity to someone who showed me patience and care. I want to remember everything about September 11, because even though it was horrible, it's too important to ever forget. I want to remember my first apartment in Manhattan--a dream come true. I want to remember the day I looked at myself in the mirror and really really liked what I saw for the first time. I want to remember completing my Master's Degree. I want to remember being depressed, because even though it was difficult and scary, I want to be able to recognize it if it ever happens again. I want to remember jumping out of an airplane, because it will remind me that I can be brave. I want to remember being in love and giving myself completely to someone, because even though my heart got broken, it was a wonderful feeling for a time and I want to remember how wonderful it was so I will always want it again.

My life is very different from how I thought it would be ten years ago. I never thought I would become a teacher. I'm a TEACHER. It still sounds weird to me, like it's a job for people who are not me. I've been a teacher for the past three years. And I actually kind of like it. But I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be financially or personally. If you told me ten years ago that I would be deeply in debt, living with three roommates and completely single at the age of thirty, I probably would have just cried like a big fat baby. Sometimes I wonder how so many people I know climbed aboard the Get-Married-and-Have-Kids train and I still don't even know where the station's at. Some people make it look so easy: You meet someone, you start dating, you get engaged, you get married. And you live happily ever after. A couple of years ago, I thought I had found that. And when we broke up I was so angry because that dream had been taken away from me. But enough things in my life have happened to make me believe that everything eventually works out the way it's supposed to. I now have a job I really like, an apartment (and roommates) I really enjoy, I like myself more than I ever have in my whole life, and the rest will fall into place.

I'm afraid to look too far into the future, because the truth is that things might not fall into place for a very long time. But the important thing is to find happiness in every day, to try to bring happiness to someone else every day, and to make the most of what you have. I have learned that I cannot look for someone to fill a void in my life. I can only look for someone to give me a turbo-boost, if you will. But the car still has to be able to run boy-less. And it does. I learned that medication or situations can make me very very sad, and if I feel very sad something needs to change. And I learned that I can make a big change and not only be ok, but be great. GREAT. These days, I am feeling great. I can say that honestly. If this is the way being thirty is gonna feel, BRING IT THE FUCK ON.

It's already been brought-en. 12:05 a.m. Happy 30th birthday to me.